Man. I haven’t blogged in awhile. This blog was mainly used for venting and I had so many times where I needed to vent.
I guess I’m too lazy. Plus, I made myself a cute Tumblr but this is mainly for myself. I guess. So things have been…
awk turtle. I’ll explain later because I have to take care of some stuff. But you know what. I can’t wait until college. I want to leave this damn place and start a clean slate. No one on my back, no one to fucking care about.
Just me and only me.
Insecurities get the best of people. I don’t care what you think. I can’t cater to every whim. This is my own thing and no one is going to ruin it. Not some stupid boyfriend of yours. You should know me better than that. Do I look like I’m going to steal him away from you…He’s only my DANCE PARTNER. What the fuck are you fretting about? Now really. You have the boy, he likes you a lot. What more do you want? Think about it girl. Friends or Boyfriend? Priorities distorted.
“Every moment that I treasure.Like a movie that I replay, replay, replay”
So, it’s been a month since I blogged about my so-called life. So much happened since then. Lots of tears, laughter, and memories I will always cherish. On January 29, Culture Shock was on that day. It’s an annual event my club is in charge of and it showcases different cultural dances. It was so stressful, I even cried on my birthday. Haha. That was horrible. I worked really hard to carry my own weight but I had to carry the other officers weight too. It was bad, but it was so good. We broght in so many people, the theater was almost full! It was amazing. So that weekend, I guess to reward myself for the hard work, I had my birthday party. Seventeen youngin. It was pretty fun. A lot of my friends came and two of my guy friends came. Laugh out loud. Peter, if you don’t remember…check my past posts, was pretty much getting mobbed by my whole family. I felt really bad because of all the things they made him do. They thought he was cute and they thought he was my boyfriend (coughiwishcough). So they made him do various things. For example, eating balut, which is a dead chick basically. I can’t even do that and he ate it. Wow. So my family absolutely loves him, but what’s the point. He’s taken by my friend…who confronted me about it a year ago when I told him I liked him. I love her to death but I’m jealous. She can get whoever she wants and whatever she wants just because she is her. Ugh I don’t know.
So after that, Spirit Week at Pres commenced. Crazy days and I loved every second of it. I really went all out for the dress up days even though they were a bit suckish. But whatever, I had fun. Pan Pan was pretty horrible because our Junior section had no one in it. Ridiculous and we came in last for most of the events. But we won hall decorating. FUCK IN YOUR FACE! Gosh. We worked so hard on it. I forgot to explain, Pan Pan and Spirit Week is like Homecoming for public schools. Yup. Juniors dominated. Sorry Seniors. You suck.
Hm. Well I forgot when we went out but my Triple A kiddies and I went to go hang out. All three of us have been in the same confirmation group for about two years? We were pretty much the group that never separated. I missed them a lot so we hung out and watched Coraline. It was pretty funny because we took our guy friend into Victoria’s Secret. I kinda felt bad for awhile and we waited for my other friend outside…we got in trouble because we were standing where the people counter was. Haha. I remember my other friend asked if I still liked him. I said no but when I think about it. I still kind of do. He’s just that kind of person where I can be myself with and he doesn’t care. Too bad he has a girlfriend. D: FML. I’m happy for him. Love him as a friend though..
Speaking of crushes and shit, my guy friend who was ignoring me? Yeah, he did it on purpose and he told me he liked me. Ugh. Then there was this whole argument with my other guy friend and it was chaos. Shitty mood much? Well, I said that I had an “intrest in him” meaning that I don’t know how i feel about him yet. I hope he didn’t take it the wrong way….hopefully. I’m still sorting out feelings and shit. I really need to concentrate on getting high scores on SATs which is coming up soon. Scary.
So this past week, I’ve been on break which has been AMAZING. I needed this break so much. I practically did nothing…except bits of homework and hardcore SAT studying. I got to go out which was surprising because I’m usually on house arrest. I went to the mall almost every day on break. I went to my friend’s house and there was a welcoming party for her frenchie, Camille. Sweet girl. Well, It was pretty awkward…because Peter and I have been talking online for awhile about random stuff…LIKE SHINee. Totally check ‘em out. But yeah, I would catch him staring but Jess was there to accompany him…They were like a couple. Well they are technically a couple but why do I sense there is something wrong? I guess jealously is getting the best of me because I’ve never felt so obliged to get him away from her. Never, ever felt this way before. Maybe I should channel all that into SAT studying. Yeah. I’m going to do that.
JONAS BROTHERS CONCERT IN 3D ON FRIDAY!
Go watch it.
I’m not a normal kid. I never had a normal life. The things I see on tv are just to unrealistic. People don’t have those perfect lives, perfect places, perfect things, perfect family, or perfect moments. Most of all, people can’t resolve things easily. Why can’t she understand that this is a different era? Different place? Different people. I am who I am. I don’t want to go under your wing anymore. I don’t want you to pick out every damn fucking thing in my life. I don’t want you to act like I’m the stupidest shit ever. Because I’m not. I’m the best there is. The best that I will ever be. She can’t accept that. She never will, never can. My best is never fucking good enough. I can’t get into that fucking school. No one fucking can. No matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’m on my fucking knees, having everything I do weigh on me. It hurts to do all the shit, it hurts that she never notices what I give up, what i do. I do EVERYTHING and absolutely fucking everything for her. It hurts. It hurts. I cry in the bathroom almost every night. I can’t take her shit anymore. She fucking irritates me to the extent where I just want to pack my stuff and run away. She always says that people talk shit about me. Who fucking cares. WHO FUCKING CARES. Why should I give a shit about people who don’t even KNOW me. I should prove them wrong. I have ALWAYS proved them wrong. Just because I went to private school, doesn’t mean im this tidy, snotty prick that thinks she’s the shit. No. I’m not as different as everyone else. Actuallly, I get the worse end of the stick. Private school sucks. Having uptight parents suck. Having to juggle clubs, student council, and school work sucks. I don’t have to prove anything to them. I haven’t done shitty things. I never done drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t have sex. Therefore I’m clean. What else do I have to prove? Going to some shitty high class college doesn’t do fucking crap. What I make of the education I get makes up everything. Get that in you’re fucking brain mom. The era that kids live in now is different. If you were my age, you would hate how you were treating me too.
“I’m a one man show. I don’t need no one.”
You know lately, everything has been a blur. It’s almost the end of January. I’m almost 17 years old. Time goes by fast. Change is what I see. But are all changes good? I haven’t seen change in my family rift. I haven’t spoken to my uncle in months since the summer. I miss him. He was my favorite and now, I never see him, talk to him, or even get a glimpse of him from my window. My brother is starting to mature now. His morals changed. He thinks he’s badass but I love him a lot. He’s still that little brother that I used to love to pick on. But now, he’s like an older brother and I act like his five year old sister. The economy hit my parents hard. Struggling to pay everything, I feel fucking worthless because I can’t give them what they want. I notice that…my struggles don’t change. I’m on my own and that never changes. I really don’t want to depend on people. Once I do, it somehow bitch slaps me in the face. My relationships with guys never changed. Same old story, same ol situation. I was that different girl. The girl who listened to everything her parents say. Not being able to go out. It pissed him off. Threw me aside and moved on. It hurts to go through that again. I guess my best friend was right. Date someone that is in the same situation. Hah. I’m done. I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. That front that I put up everyday, it’s gone. It’s gone.
I don’t give a damn anymore. First time I cried this year. I’m so fucking mad at myself because I cried over such trivial things. I cried that my friend is going out with the guy I like. The guy who had a crush on me doesn’t seem to like me anymore and he made that loud and clear by using past girlfriend incident examples. I just needed to cry. But to cry about guys? That’s just fucking low for my self esteem. I don’t care. I don’t want to get myself involved or get in too deep anymore. Well I’m going to go comfort myself by reading about college because i know that unlike guys’ minds, college rules and regulations will never change.
“I don’t even know that you’re feeling this way”
Well first off, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Goodbye crummy 2008, Hello 2009. Is it just me or did this year flew? I don’t remember what happened during this year. Well, I have to remember writing 2009 on my papers instead of 2008. Joy. I go back to school on the fifth. Break went by super fast. I don’t get it. Break overall was pretty good. Raining in Disneyland, New Years with family, experiencing more growing up.
The only reason I came back to write this is because love is really a trivial thing. All the effort put into it never gets returned back. My observations from what I’ve seen. My dad’s side of the family, all the girls have sucky love lives. My dad’s younger sister has a 2 year old kid and her legitimate husband left her and flew to God knows where. From what I heard, he was gay. Now my little cousin doesn’t have a father figure…well except for my dad. The only good thing is, every time we ask if he wants to see his dad, he says “No. I want mommy.” Cute shit right? But once he grows up, we need more support for him. I love him to death. Now my dad’s older sister wants to get a divorce with her husband. She works her ass off taking care of her elderly person. Like seriously works like no other. She sends money to her husband and her teenage boy. But her husband uses the money that she works for to pay for sluts to bring home. Here is my older cousin experiencing this shit. So now, my auntie cries every once in awhile. Actually, both my aunties cry. I hate seeing it because I feel like I’m going to end up like that. Knock on wood. Now my cousin from Hawaii with my Godchild has a freaking dumb ass husband. My God child, Nik, saw her dad kissing one of her God mothers. I mean what the fuck is wrong with the world! So my cousin and Nik left Hawaii and came to California to spend Christmas without the bastard. I can’t IMAGINE what all of them are going through. It makes it seem like my love life is so miniscule compared to theirs. Now my poor little brother. He’s been talking to this girl and it seemed like they like each other a lot and stuff. He dropped the L bomb on her and she says it back. I saw him crying before we went to bed. You know why? His so called almost girlfriend told him that she already had a boyfriend. After leading him on for MONTHS and telling him on fucking NEW YEARS? Are you FUCKING kidding me? Are you SERIOUS? I want to beat the SHIT out of this girl you DON’T even know. So I told him that she isn’t worth it. She really isn’t worth it. I comforted him until he went to bed and i just laid in bed for awhile thinking things. Even my love life sucks too. My guy friend is like…ignoring me now because I canceled our date. My mom said no because she wanted to meet him first. I told him and ever since then. No contact. At all. I knew I should have stayed back because now I’m staring at my phone and that’s unhealthy. I’m done with this shit. I’m so done. Wow. “Better In Time” is playing. Bitch. Nice song to play right? Whatever. I’m done. I’m done. No more. Please. I can’t take it.
Well. Happy New Year to me.
Even my dearest Jonas Brothers…well Joe Jonas had to spend his New Years with his psychotic ex.
It’s the season of finals and everything just comes at me like its funny. I really don’t give a damn about how he’s perfect, I just give up on trying because you’re not happy and remind me of hurtful crap from the past, I’m pissed because I know I can do better, and most of all, I’m absolutely mad that I still feel the same damn feelings every time I fucking GLANCE at him. What is wrong with me?
Finals week just makes me bitchy. Pure disappointment
“Joy to the world. Peace to every boy and girl. Hope when life is hard. Light when everything becomes dark.”
-Joy to the World (A Christmas Prayer)
I really don’t want to know the last time I did a blog. I would be appauled with myself. I’ve been meaning to at least update once a week, but lately, everything has passed by in a blur. My days would consist of school, homework, meetings, projects, clubs, committee work, more club stuff, and pretty much everything in this list…times ten. Actually, I’m going to check when the last time I did a blog…this will take awhile because my computer is completely throwing a BF. Which means bitch fit if you’re wondering. Jeez, the last time I wrote a blog was OCTOBER 26, 2008! Oh my freaking goodness. This is about two months ago? Well, let me catch you up on the month of November.
Looking at my planned, the month of November would probably be the most deadliest throughout this semester. The first week consisted of essays, tests, projects, club meetings, food drive leafleting, and college visits. But this week was also one of my closest pres friends sweet sixteen. It was the funnest thing I have ever done in a long time. My mom actually let me sleep over…at the hotel. So right after school, a group of friends and I went with my friend’s parents to the hotel. I forgot what hotel we went to but it was a pretty nice one. We only had one room so we shared the front part of the suite. We were just chilling out before we went out to dinner. Practically just watch tv and chowed down on Swedish fish and all the goodies my friend got for her birthday. Ugh, so much junk food you wouldn’t even believe. Well hours past and we all got ready to go. Everyone dressed up for the special occasion and we headed to the old spaghetti factory in downtown. It was pretty fun. We took pictures while we waited for a table. It was funny because at one point, this old guy grabbed my camera and ordered us to huddle to take a picture. He was talking on the phone and it was supposedly with his son. I remember he was like, “I have 2, 4, 6, 8 BEAUTIFUL LADIES son! You should see them!” Wow. Awkward much. I thought he was going to steal my camera. Laugh out loud. We were able to go eat a few minutes after that incident and we ate a lot. I’m guessing we were in the birthday room because everyone was singing happy birthday simultaneously. But of course, we were the loudest. After that, we headed back to the hotel and headed towards the room to change into our swim trunks. We stayed in the hot tub for awhile…even though we were only supposed to stay in the hot tub for 15 minutes. Hah. Take two hours straight in there. But nothing happened to us. We headed up stairs and took showers and all. My best friend, my other friend and I occupied the fold out bed and we all slept straight away. Everyone else was still awake. My best friend and I were supposed to sleep early because the next day, we were going to Filipino Empowerment Day at Berkley. But I didn’t go to sleep till four in the morning and i woke up at six. Goodneeeess. But I was playing catch phrase. It was really hard to be quiet with that game at 2 in the monring. But I got some sleep…somewhat. But I went to Berkley and stayed there till four. We did some seminars and activities throughout the day. My best friend, my other friend and I were the only ones from the bay area. The other kids were around Sacramento and all. There was only one cute boy I saw. But whatever. That was like last month.
So the next few weeks look like they were all jammed packed with projects, tests, homework, meetings, and all the shit. Well the only exciting things I see are the To Write Love On Her Arms event, TWILIGHT which was pretty good, feast of the presentation, and of course, Thanksgiving break.
Now we’re in the month of December. So this month is basically dedicated to FINALS, studying, and FINALS. Gosh darnit. Well the drives at my school are pretty cool too. Competitive but still heart warming. We’re in the week of toy drive and JUNIORS are in the lead because of the donate bikes. I remember riding those bikes into the school. I felt really touched because all the bikes I pass through the hallway will be donated to kids from low income families for Christmas. It makes me happy that a little kid will wake up to a bike. :] Doesn’t that bring a smile to your face?
But I had to write something down today. I had to wake up really early today to develop film but that failed. But I had a dream that was super weird. So it was about this really close guy friend of mine from my youth group. He’s been one of my best guy friends since we were together in a group for the past two years. But anyways…I was dreaming that we were…making out. GOD making out! -_____- Is my self conscious poking fun at me because I haven’t had my first kiss yet? Fucking shit. So not funny. But the weird thing was, I liked it…a lot. It felt so real that I didn’t want to wake up. Hence me not answering my alarm clock. But when I woke up from the dream, I was thoroughly depressed…and it bugged me throughout the day. This is some psychology shit. I wonder if this is telling me something…To be honest, I developed a crush on my guy friend throughout the years we’ve known each other. But for sure, he only sees me as a friend. But my other guy friend from bell confessed to me that he had a crush on me not to long ago. I can’t really answer his feelings because I’m to unsure of myself. Is this the reason why? This dream showing why I have no desire to answer? God.
Boys are to complicated. Screw this.
Basically.
“In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for you keep”.
Have you ever felt that things would be so ridiculously dumb that it would make you want to rip your hair out? I have that feeling now. My weekends feel like they’ve been wasted and always going by way to fast. It’s like i’m not living life to fullest. Last Thursday and Friday, I went on a retreat in the Presentation Center. It’s literally smack dab in the middle of the forest and on top of a steep ass hill. I always get scared when we get up there by bus, you feel like you’re going to fall off the face of the Earth. Well, I thought it was fun. Everyone else looked like they wanted out. My group consisted of the most chattiest and friendliest people. The group leader was my math teacher. She is so freaking hilarious and really honest. I couldn’t ask for a better group. Basically, it was just bonding time with my fellow juniors and figuring out what is important to you. They also taught us how to grow in our faith and all that shenanigans:] I was just sad when we left because we’re back in reality. Screw my life right?
Basically on that topic, the next day which was Saturday, there is this big dance at our school and all my friends went…but me. Instead, I was supposed to go out to the movies with friends who aren’t going, but my best friend couldn’t go so that was a bust. That day, it was my cousin’s birthday, and i helped out. It was fun, but I really wanted to go to that dance. For one, I didn’t have a date, but I wanted to ask this guy but my friend already did…Remember Cutie Thai? Yeah. I really don’t talk to him anymore. It’s just really awkward. To me, it just really feels like he doesn’t want to talk to me. I always IM him all the time but he always has some excuse in leaving…and the sad thing is, he would always be on a few hours after he says he has to go log off. Hah. Ouch to the heart. I just suck with guys. Period. People claim i’m “pretty” and likable but so far, I really have bad luck with them. I know my insecurities are getting the best of me but ugh. I don’t care anymore. There are more bigger problems right now. Especially money. Yup. I’m broke. My family is broke. When my best friend was like, “Oh you don’t even know how much MY family is poorer than you”. How would she know if she doens’t know what the fuck is going on? I just didn’t say anything to her. At least SHE went to the damn dance. My family is broke. Broke, broke, broke. My dad is working himself to peices. Working two damn jobs. He wakes up around 3 just to get to his job at Pier 1 imports. He lifts shit up. He’s already in bad shape…I see all his medication. I don’t know what they are for but there’s tons of bottles…Our house is concaving because some pipe is leaking and into the soil. Which is moving our foundation, which moves the house. My mom is freaking out and with the recession, my parents are scared. I’m scared. They’re struggling and I don’t like it. It just puts more pressure on me and I don’t know…They expect so much of me and i’m so pressured with school and college shit it just drives me bonkers. Being officer, all the clubs, and student council is starting to strain me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Fuck my life.
But on the brighter note, my uncle has been coming to our house. Surprise, suprise. I really do miss them and i’m glad that our family doesn’t have that much friction after 3 months…
I totally wish i was there…
