“In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for you keep”.
Have you ever felt that things would be so ridiculously dumb that it would make you want to rip your hair out? I have that feeling now. My weekends feel like they’ve been wasted and always going by way to fast. It’s like i’m not living life to fullest. Last Thursday and Friday, I went on a retreat in the Presentation Center. It’s literally smack dab in the middle of the forest and on top of a steep ass hill. I always get scared when we get up there by bus, you feel like you’re going to fall off the face of the Earth. Well, I thought it was fun. Everyone else looked like they wanted out. My group consisted of the most chattiest and friendliest people. The group leader was my math teacher. She is so freaking hilarious and really honest. I couldn’t ask for a better group. Basically, it was just bonding time with my fellow juniors and figuring out what is important to you. They also taught us how to grow in our faith and all that shenanigans:] I was just sad when we left because we’re back in reality. Screw my life right?
Basically on that topic, the next day which was Saturday, there is this big dance at our school and all my friends went…but me. Instead, I was supposed to go out to the movies with friends who aren’t going, but my best friend couldn’t go so that was a bust. That day, it was my cousin’s birthday, and i helped out. It was fun, but I really wanted to go to that dance. For one, I didn’t have a date, but I wanted to ask this guy but my friend already did…Remember Cutie Thai? Yeah. I really don’t talk to him anymore. It’s just really awkward. To me, it just really feels like he doesn’t want to talk to me. I always IM him all the time but he always has some excuse in leaving…and the sad thing is, he would always be on a few hours after he says he has to go log off. Hah. Ouch to the heart. I just suck with guys. Period. People claim i’m “pretty” and likable but so far, I really have bad luck with them. I know my insecurities are getting the best of me but ugh. I don’t care anymore. There are more bigger problems right now. Especially money. Yup. I’m broke. My family is broke. When my best friend was like, “Oh you don’t even know how much MY family is poorer than you”. How would she know if she doens’t know what the fuck is going on? I just didn’t say anything to her. At least SHE went to the damn dance. My family is broke. Broke, broke, broke. My dad is working himself to peices. Working two damn jobs. He wakes up around 3 just to get to his job at Pier 1 imports. He lifts shit up. He’s already in bad shape…I see all his medication. I don’t know what they are for but there’s tons of bottles…Our house is concaving because some pipe is leaking and into the soil. Which is moving our foundation, which moves the house. My mom is freaking out and with the recession, my parents are scared. I’m scared. They’re struggling and I don’t like it. It just puts more pressure on me and I don’t know…They expect so much of me and i’m so pressured with school and college shit it just drives me bonkers. Being officer, all the clubs, and student council is starting to strain me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Fuck my life.
But on the brighter note, my uncle has been coming to our house. Surprise, suprise. I really do miss them and i’m glad that our family doesn’t have that much friction after 3 months…
I totally wish i was there…
