whadafuxisup reesa?

“Joy to the world. Peace to every boy and girl. Hope when life is hard. Light when everything becomes dark.”

-Joy to the World (A Christmas Prayer)

I really don’t want to know the last time I did a blog. I would be appauled with myself. I’ve been meaning to at least update once a week, but lately, everything has passed by in a blur. My days would consist of school, homework, meetings, projects, clubs, committee work, more club stuff, and pretty much everything in this list…times ten. Actually, I’m going to check when the last time I did a blog…this will take awhile because my computer is completely throwing a BF. Which means bitch fit if you’re wondering. Jeez, the last time I wrote a blog was OCTOBER 26, 2008! Oh my freaking goodness. This is about two months ago? Well, let me catch you up on the month of November.

Looking at my planned, the month of November would probably be the most deadliest throughout this semester. The first week consisted of essays, tests, projects, club meetings, food drive leafleting, and college visits. But this week was also one of my closest pres friends sweet sixteen. It was the funnest thing I have ever done in a long time. My mom actually let me sleep over…at the hotel. So right after school, a group of friends and I went with my friend’s parents to the hotel. I forgot what hotel we went to but it was a pretty nice one. We only had one room so we shared the front part of the suite. We were just chilling out before we went out to dinner. Practically just watch tv and chowed down on Swedish fish and all the goodies my friend got for her birthday. Ugh, so much junk food you wouldn’t even believe. Well hours past and we all got ready to go. Everyone dressed up for the special occasion and we headed to the old spaghetti factory in downtown. It was pretty fun. We took pictures while we waited for a table. It was funny because at one point, this old guy grabbed my camera and ordered us to huddle to take a picture. He was talking on the phone and it was supposedly with his son. I remember he was like, “I have 2, 4, 6, 8 BEAUTIFUL LADIES son! You should see them!” Wow. Awkward much. I thought he was going to steal my camera. Laugh out loud. We were able to go eat a few minutes after that incident and we ate a lot. I’m guessing we were in the birthday room because everyone was singing happy birthday simultaneously. But of course, we were the loudest. After that, we headed back to the hotel and headed towards the room to change into our swim trunks. We stayed in the hot tub for awhile…even though we were only supposed to stay in the hot tub for 15 minutes. Hah. Take two hours straight in there. But nothing happened to us. We headed up stairs and  took showers and all. My best friend, my other friend and I occupied the fold out bed and we all slept straight away. Everyone else was still awake. My best friend and I were supposed to sleep early because the next day, we were going to Filipino Empowerment Day at Berkley. But I didn’t go to sleep till four in the morning and i woke up at six. Goodneeeess. But I was playing catch phrase. It was really hard to be quiet with that game at 2 in the monring. But I got some sleep…somewhat. But I went to Berkley and stayed there till four. We did some seminars and activities throughout the day. My best friend, my other friend and I were the only ones from the bay area. The other kids were around Sacramento and all. There was only one cute boy I saw. But whatever. That was like last month.

So the next few weeks look like they were all jammed packed with projects, tests, homework, meetings, and all the shit. Well the only exciting things I see are the To Write Love On Her Arms event, TWILIGHT which was pretty good, feast of the presentation, and of course, Thanksgiving break.

Now we’re in the month of December. So this month is basically dedicated to FINALS, studying, and FINALS. Gosh darnit. Well the drives at my school are pretty cool too. Competitive but still heart warming. We’re in the week of toy drive and JUNIORS are in the lead because of the donate bikes. I remember riding those bikes into the school. I felt really touched because all the bikes I pass through the hallway will be donated to kids from low income families for Christmas. It makes me happy that a little kid will wake up to a bike. :] Doesn’t that bring a smile to your face?

But I had to write something down today. I had to wake up really early today to develop film but that failed. But I had a dream that was super weird. So it was about this really close guy friend of mine from my youth group. He’s been one of my best guy friends since we were together in a group for the past two years. But anyways…I was dreaming that we were…making out. GOD making out! -_____- Is my self conscious poking fun at me because I haven’t had my first kiss yet? Fucking shit. So not funny. But the weird thing was, I liked it…a lot. It felt so real that I didn’t want to wake up. Hence me not answering my alarm clock. But when I woke up from the dream, I was thoroughly depressed…and it bugged me throughout the day. This is some psychology shit.  I wonder if this is telling me something…To be honest, I developed a crush on my guy friend throughout the years we’ve known each other. But for sure, he only sees me as a friend. But my other guy friend from bell confessed to me that he had a crush on me not to long ago. I can’t really answer his feelings because I’m to unsure of myself. Is this the reason why? This dream showing why I have no desire to answer? God.

Boys are to complicated. Screw this.

Basically.

“In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for you keep”.

Have you ever felt that things would be so ridiculously dumb that it would make you want to rip your hair out? I have that feeling now. My weekends feel like they’ve been wasted and always going by way to fast. It’s like i’m not living life to fullest. Last Thursday and Friday, I went on a retreat in the Presentation Center. It’s literally smack dab in the middle of the forest and on top of a steep ass hill. I always get scared when we get up there by bus, you feel like you’re going to fall off the face of the Earth. Well, I thought it was fun. Everyone else looked like they wanted out. My group consisted of the most chattiest and friendliest people. The group leader was my math teacher. She is so freaking hilarious and really honest. I couldn’t ask for a better group. Basically, it was just bonding time with my fellow juniors and figuring out what is important to you. They also taught us how to grow in our faith and all that shenanigans:] I was just sad when we left because we’re back in reality. Screw my life right?

Basically on that topic, the next day which was Saturday, there is this big dance at our school and all my friends went…but me. Instead, I was supposed to go out to the movies with friends who aren’t going, but my best friend couldn’t go so that was a bust. That day, it was my cousin’s birthday, and i helped out. It was fun, but I really wanted to go to that dance. For one, I didn’t have a date, but I wanted to ask this guy but my friend already did…Remember Cutie Thai? Yeah. I really don’t talk to him anymore. It’s just really awkward. To me, it just really feels like he doesn’t want to talk to me. I always IM him all the time but he always has some excuse in leaving…and the sad thing is, he would always be on a few hours after he says he has to go log off. Hah. Ouch to the heart. I just suck with guys. Period. People claim i’m “pretty” and likable but so far, I really have bad luck with them. I know my insecurities are getting the best of me but ugh. I don’t care anymore. There are more bigger problems right now. Especially money. Yup. I’m broke. My family is broke. When my best friend was like, “Oh you don’t even know how much MY family is poorer than you”. How would she know if she doens’t know what the fuck is going on? I just didn’t say anything to her. At least SHE went to the damn dance. My family is broke. Broke, broke, broke. My dad is working himself to peices. Working two damn jobs. He wakes up around 3 just to get to his job at Pier 1 imports. He lifts shit up. He’s already in bad shape…I see all his medication. I don’t know what they are for but there’s tons of bottles…Our house is concaving because some pipe is leaking and into the soil. Which is moving our foundation, which moves the house. My mom is freaking out and with the recession, my parents are scared. I’m scared. They’re struggling and I don’t like it. It just puts more pressure on me and I don’t know…They expect so much of me and i’m so pressured with school and college shit it just drives me bonkers. Being officer, all the clubs, and student council is starting to strain me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Fuck my life.

But on the brighter note, my uncle has been coming to our house. Surprise, suprise. I really do miss them and i’m glad that our family doesn’t have that much friction after 3 months…

I totally wish i was there…

“i can reach my tomorrow, i can hold my head up high”

I’m kind of tired right now. It was a seriously long day and I still need to study for spanish. My freshman group was okay. A bit quiet and disrespectful but at least they contributed. Well, more details later. Much later. Lately, my computer is super dooper hot because of…

these lovley kidlets:]<3333

“Knowing that I am to blame. For leaving your heart out in the rain”

Geez. It’s been two months since my last post and I really suck at updating. You know why? It’s because I seriously DON’T have ANY DAMN time for myself. Lately, things have been hectiv. I’ve dedicated myself to my after school activities, clubs, and homework. It’s so overwhelming. I can feel the strain every morning when I wake up because all I think about is what I’m supposed to get done for all my different responsibilities. I like being busy and all but not overly busy! I really don’t know what to do nowadays. I can’t even remember the time where I actually had time to rest and have leisure time.

I can’t really remember what I did in the past but a few weeks ago, I went to go voulnteer for the Buddy Walk. The Buddy Walk is a walkathon for kids who have down syndrome. To tell you the truth, they were so cute! I went to volunteer with my friend and my brother. I also met some people there too. It started to rain most of the time so we were playing with the kids in the rain. I guess volunteering is my only outlet. I mean it’s not like volunteering is bad but I like doing it. It’s my only social life.

HaHa. So this weekend started off with Junior Ring. It was very emotional I guess. It just reminds me that Senior Year is approaching pretty fast. After that, I went out with some friends to Buca di Peppo and that was a lot of fun because no one was there. Later, i crammed all my homework because I went to Disneyland…again:] I love that place but it sucks when you go and your sick. Yup. I was sick and i’m STILL sick and it sucks! That whole time I was sniffling and coughing through the park. Ugh. It was so cold too. So it made it worse. Actually, there were some pretty cute guys that gave me some attention so I was okay. I also saw Suburban Legends which I eventually found out that they were a famous band. They became my other fave band so far…tailing the Jonas Brothers. GASP. Yeah I know. The Jonas Brothers will always have a special place in my heart but Suburban Legends really know how to put on a show. Also, I found out that they are playing at the San Jose Skate near my house. Anyone wanna come with me?

So anyways, PSATs were today and I had a minor melt down because I forgot my calculator. WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ugh. I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I forgot it. But luckily Nicole had a spare. AHH. I owe that girl. Goodness. Fuck my life.

I have to go make cookies for tomorrow’s retreat for freshman because I’m a leader for that. And i have to finish my homework for Friday because I missed yesterday. Fuck my life again.

<33333333

i don’t fucking care anymore. am i really that bad of a person? i’m i THAT selfish to ask something that I WANT not what other fucking people want? I did everything. EVERYTHING. It’s never good enough. NEVER. They’re struggling. I know that. I KNOW that. I don’t really want to write anymore because I might start crying for three hours again.

screw the world.

“you say goodbye and I say hello. I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello”

I’ve barely been in school for a week and i’m already stressing like there’s no tomorrow. Homework is already piled so high I can’t see no ending, responsibilities with clubs and student government has already gotten me stretched, my best friend pretty much ditched me to sit with other people at lunch, and my mom is already on my ass about not failing and SAT scores. Can a girl have a break? I don’t want to sound whiny but I’m already crying out of frustration. I talked to my best buddy at mitty the other day and I really miss her. I told her about school and all saying that our best friend doesn’t sit with me anymore. What’s the big deal right? Hah. It’s a big deal. She ditched me to sit with her other friends, the ones that I’m friends with too but I don’t really mesh well with them. So when i try to sit over at her group, i feel pretty unwelcomed, and my best friend doesn’t do anything to change that. Figures. She’s always done that to me. Exclude me and still think everything is cool with us. She left me with people I don’t really LIKE to sit with. I mean they are my friends but sometimes i get fed up with them. I don’t really care who she hangs out with or who she sits with, I don’t have control over that but it would be nice for her to mention that she’s going to ditch me and sit somewhere else. Yup, thanks for the heads up. I don’t feel welcome anywhere and i feel like this junior year is going to be harder than I thought. God. This sucks. So do you know what best friend is? I certainly don’t think best friends ditch their best friends, do you?

“i’m a one man show. i don’t need no one. i’ll be fine alone.”

So, today was better than I expected. I woke up around 6:10 this morning, slammed on some Jonas, and muttered SHIT out loud. I haven’t woke up that early in a looong time. I wake up early but not SCHOOL early. Ugh that was hard. So i did the usual. Showered, blah blah blah ate and i waited for my mom to go to get ready. I left around 7 and i had to fix my locker. But there was hella traffic.

FRESH MEAT parents fer sure. But i managed. I stuffed all my crap into the locker and i went to my classes. It was good. Just class policies and all that shindig. We had to some work and all. I already have so much homework in all my classes. We went to mass and it was long and hot. We had the chairs!!! We felt so special:D I have something to support my BACK!!!! HAHAHAHA! But its such a BITCH to put the chairs on the rack. People are savages. I got hit by the chair so many times. Sooooo lunch and 7th period went by fast and I still had some business to do after school. I was at my International Club Officer meeting and it was pretty chilax. I have so much crap to do for that club now. But its okay. I love the club.

I had to stay for extra two hours for my mom to get me. It was pretty tiring and my neighbors and me were pretty tired. My friend/carpool/neighbor brought up something about my well…i think crush but i’m kinda leaning to giving up. I keep trying to talk to him but he seems disinterested. Typical. Guys don’t like me.  Do i offeeeeend? Tell me if am but i think he likes his ex. I have a hunch he does but whatever. I don’t need that kind of shit to deal with now. This year is going to be incredible.

P.S. THANK YOU ANNIEEE! I love my headbands:D and candy and and and I love you.

this year, i will dominate. :]

so basically, WHERE THE HELL HAS MY SUMMER GONE?

RIDICULOUS. i’m going back to school tomorrow and i’m not happy.

But, i learned a lot this summer. Events that taught me a lot. Things that have made me a better person. I haven’t found that person like last summer. It was hard to get through this summer. I had some pretty good highlights like seeing my friends again or like going to the Jonas Brothers concert and gettting to meet them:] I’m content. I have no regrets. But some kinds of things still bug me. I miss my family a lot. So much it hurts to look outside my window. But what can we do?

Take the time to appreciate. Treasure all the times and memories you have with your whole family. Because you will never know when it will be cut short.

all i need is my family, my friends, and the Jonas Brothers to make me smile.

i don’t need anything else but them and GOD protecting me.

i don’t feel like ranting because i’m listening to the funniest jonas brothers interview ever, folding wars with my brother, and chatting with two of my good friends.

it’s all i need. all i need.

“they come and go, but they don’t know. that you are my beautiful“.

It’s been about twoish weeks since that fateful day. Not much has changed. Just more tears. More problems. The more the days pass, nothing seems to get better. The tear between both families seem to get deeper as no one wants to take a stand. Well, except for my mom of course. She’s been trying everything for this family…her family to forgive her. She didn’t do shit and she knows that. And yet, she’s the one who keeps calling them, approaching them…everytime. We spent her birthday weekend in Merced. Merced is a desolate place in sunny California. It’s really rural. Not a city place like where I live. It’s pretty boring there to say the least. But the only thing it provides is comfort and a sense of peace. She wanted to go there for her birthday. It was kind of…sad to say the least. She shares a birthday…with her twin. The one who doesn’t want to have any contact with her. None because of this stupid predicament that isn’t supposed to be blown into proportion. My mom hurts. My dad, my brother, and I notice in our little ways. She isn’t as loud as she used to be. Not very driven to do anything. She mopes…lack of cleaning like crazy. She’s in a slump and it hurts to see your own mother who taken the blame for something between my brother and my little cousin. I don’t get it. It hurts a lot. My dad tells me, he doesn’t sleep. I just assumed because he works two jobs. But he told me, he feels his wife’s pain, my mom’s pain. He thinks what will happen in the future. Who will pick my brother and I up from school. Who will take care of us. The funny thing is, I think about the same things. I can’t sleep most of the time. I just lay in my bed, plug in my earphones and cry to A Little Bit Longer. This…problem, has blown our family hard. It hurts that the other family lives next door. That my window is a direct sight of the door in which we always talk through. Always laughing at what the other family is doing. Those were the days. The days when laughter and memories were taken for granted. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get right pussycat dolls? Goodness. I’m so fucking mad. So fucking mad that this had to happen. Why does every summer i spend have to have this mind boggling, life changing event? Is God intending this to happen to me and the people around me? Is God trying to say something? Well God, i really want to know what it is because everyone is hurting. Hurting to the extent tries to ignore that this is happening. But everyone deep inside their hearts knows this will never, never never never be back to the way things the way they were. Ugh. Now i know the meaning of Nick Jonas’ song, take the time to appreciate. Figures.

The other day, I was forced to go next door to give my aunt her birthday presents. It was hard. My brother was scared shitless to go there. My mom didn’t want to go there. So they forced me there. It was hard. So hard. Since that day, I haven’t seen them. Never. Only seen them through my window while my little cousin is playing outside. That’s all. No contact. After what? Two weeks i go over there like nothing happened? Yeah. Haha. No that didn’t happen. I went next door and i saw her through the window. She opened the door and I plastered on a fake smile and say here are your presents tita. Okay I’m going to go now. She had a smile on too. But i knew it was just plain awkward. Right when she shut the door, i wiped the fake smile off my face. Never again will i treat them like before. They were the ones who hurt my family. My mom. My brother. My dad. No one will be forgiven. Right after that, I went home and laughed. Laughed this bitter laugh. It was horrible. I felt like shit. I just sat on my bed and played Jonas. I know i know ooooooo Jonas. It’s the only thing that will stay the same. Something that won’t ask any questions. It was…indescribable how i felt. That was the only contact i had from her. My uncles on the otherhand apparently moved to palo alto and gotten a ‘house’. House my ass. Probably just crashed at someone’s house. It really pisses me off. I was in my room and my window shades were up a bit. I saw a person, well i think it was my uncle staring up. I was doing something and then i turned for a split second and i saw my uncle staring up at my window. No matter how much hate i feel toward them, it made me cry. It made me cry so much that i dont get to see my other family. They’ve been there my whole life. But nothing matters now because our family is split. My dad told me that my uncles think that my parents didn’t raise me and my brother right. HAH. What the FUCK. My parents didn’t raise us right? Oh please. If they didn’t raise us right, we wouldn’t have morals. I’d probably be FUCKING guys left and right or that my brother is taking drugs. But no. We follow the rules, we respect elders, and we have morals. Morals that shape who we are. They also said my brother needs therapy. HAH. My brother needs therapy? Excuse me, he is not a deliquent of any sort. Seriously. They are the ones who call him STUPID and DUMB. Like he’s the waste of their time. No wonder my brother has such a low self esteem. When i call my brother stupid or dumb, he knows that i’m kidding because i always tell him that i love him. No matter what. I love my brother. They don’t deserve his love or MINE as a niece and a nephew. I just don’t get it anymore. I don’t know what the meaning of family is anymore. If this is what God intended to happen, then let it happen.

It just breaks my heart when my dad, the one that I always go for help, asks me, “what are we going to do?”.

lately, this is the only thing that makes me truly smile.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my best of friends and my family (mom, dad, bro)

for being there…i love you guys.